A note about comments. I love them, because I love hearing from you. Also, I just switched over my commenting to a new system. Older post comments might not be in the correct order, which means my replies are all jacked up. But I like the new system so whatever.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

How to climb a skyscraper and not throw up in 67 easy steps

  1. Say it out loud. I’m going to climb a skyscraper, and not throw up. Or die on the 80th floor. Because that would be soooo embarrassing.
  2. Actually sign up. There’s no turning back now. You’ve paid your fees. Get over your fear of commitment and think about training.
  3. Start training. Do whatever it takes to get your ass on those stairs. Struggling to motivate? Place a donut at the top of the stairs, climb down, then back up, then DONUT! Results may vary.
  4. Game day. Whatever you do, don’t stand outside the building looking up at how far you have to climb.
  5. Get in line.
  6. Realize you’re in the wrong line.
  7. Get in the correct line.
  8. Text your friends which line to get in so they don’t get it wrong too.
  9. Make friends with the girls in front of you. It's good to have a name to curse when you're left in their dust.
  10. Starting line. Bounce around on your toes, and get that energy up.
  11. Apologize to the guy behind you for being the slow one, and ask him not to run you over.
  12. GO. Take off for the stairs, round the corner, and look down as the camera flashes in your face.
  13. Look up and see the pissed off photographer’s face.
  14. Laugh and keep going. You’ll love that photo later.
  15. Climb the first six floors at a run, even though you know to pace it slower.
  16. Get winded, stop and take a break.
  17. Feel pathetic for six seconds. Get over yourself. Slow and steady crosses the finish line.
  18. Get back on the stairs. You have 88 more floors to climb.
  19. Start singing to your music.
  20. Realize you’re doing it out loud, and hope those photographers aren’t taking video too.
  21. Reach the 13th floor, notice it’s actually labeled 13, and realize you had been counting on 94 floors really being 93 due to no 13th floor. Damnit.
  22. Skip the water at floor 16. You don’t need it. Keep climbing.
  23. Wish you had water from 16 as you round the corner on 20.
  24. Round the corner on 21, hear someone call out for medical on 23, think ‘oh shit is that gonna be me soon’ and debate turning around before it’s too late.
  25. Remember reading somewhere that you can’t turn around, plow ahead.
  26. Pass the girl on 23, see she’s just overheated, and remember to drink water at the next water station.
  27. Reach the 30th floor and tell yourself you’re about a third of the way done with this climb.
  28. Check the time.
  29. Regret checking the time.
  30. Keep climbing.
  31. Reach the 40th floor. Take a break. Your lungs are burning and you need deep breaths.
  32. Keep climbing.
  33. Reach 44 and take another break.
  34. Repeat for forever.
  35. Look behind you.
  36. Regret looking behind you.
  37. Keep climbing.
  38. Check the time.
  39. Stop checking the time!
  40. Reach the 60th floor and tell yourself you’re two thirds done!
  41. Do a tiny celebration butt wiggle as you keep climbing.
  42. Get passed by a linebacker.
  43. Stare in awe at how quickly he glides up the stairs.
  44. Get passed by a child.
  45. Curse her ability to glide up the stairs.
  46. Pass a twenty something.
  47. Gloat to yourself at how fit you are.
  48. Check the time.
  49. Stop checking the time!
  50. Reach the 80th floor and stop for a photo.
  51. Make friends with the security guard, your official witness that you didn’t die on 80.
  52. Keep climbing.
  53. Reach 84, where two girls will scream “only ten more!”
  54. Start climbing a little faster because OMG you’re almost done!
  55. Reach 93, hear the crowd above and book it into overdrive.
  56. Round the corner to the top, look up, and see the camera.
  57. Smile like the Cheshire cat who just ate a family of mice.
  58. You’ll love that photo later. It’s horrible. Like creeper horrible. You’ll use it to scare children straight.
  59. Run for the finish line!
  60. Blink as the bright light from the windows blinds you.
  61. Hear your name shouted, and throw your hands up in the air like you just don’t care.
  62. Get offered water and a banana.
  63. Take the water, but fuck the banana.
  64. You’ll regret not taking the banana.
  65. Get your medal, and collapse.
  66. Say it out loud. I just climbed a skyscraper.
  67. Laugh like a maniac. You’ve earned it.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014


What would you attempt to do if you knew you couldn't fail?

(There is no wrong answer.)

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