Yo. Changes are coming soon to the blog. So if you notice things missing or moving around, it's probably on purpose. Just sayin'. xo (10-1-14)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Chug, chug, chug

Reasons I Get Invited to Black Tie Events:

After enjoying a delicious beef tenderloin I loudly declared "I never thought I could enjoy meat that bleeds but that was tasty"

I tried to win a $200 bottle of bourbon and a Blackhawks hockey stick in the silent auction because "they totes go together you guys!"

"If we get Dawn drunk enough I think she'll buy the Paris trip and invite us all"

Husband: What are those little rooms for?
Wife: I think those are phone rooms.
Me: Those are sex booths.

"Excuse me miss. You can't take that champagne glass out of the room."
Chug chug chug.
"Ok."

"Miss, would you like white or red wine?"
"Both please."

"Dawn, do you have two glasses of wine and champagne?"
"I like variety."

I MAY have hugged my dinner plate for warmth. It was freakishly cold at the Ritz, and the plate was delivered toasty warm. The waiter MAY have had to ask me to put the plate down so he could serve me. At least I didn't put it up my skirt. Right?

PS. Last night's charity event for Special Olympics was rockin'. I did not get kicked out. I did not win the bourbon OR the hockey stick. I did win a kickin' gift for my nephew, but I can't tell you what it is. He might be only one year old, but maybe he's a savant and I don't want to ruin the surprise. So instead I'll leave you with this extreme close up to enjoy.


PPS. You should all be grateful that I did not try to win the Hip Hop DJ for a day package. Because I would totes make you all listen to me if I had won.

PPPS. I have a stabby wound at the base of my left thumb, and I think there's something embedded in it. I have no idea how that happened (cough, wine, cough) but it hurts like a mo'fo'. 

Friday, October 28, 2011

Red Writing Hood: Athleticism

This is a prompt from Write on Edge, Red Writing Hood.
Some people consider themselves athletes. Others do not. Write a piece of fiction or creative non-fiction in which athleticism features prominently. Use the photograph for inspiration.

Let's try 400 words or less, please.
______________________________________________________________

I consider myself extremely lucky to be in the position to work with what I believe to be one of the most rewarding philanthropic organizations in Illinois. For three years running I have helped organize a corporate sponsorship of the Special Olympics Illinois Inspire Greatness Gala. This gala directly benefits the Olympic Games throughout the year.

I have had the pleasure of dining with the Olympic Athletes, and the emotions you feel after spending time with them is overwhelming. You see, most sports programs are built for only the fastest, strongest, most competitive students. They are aggressive, and can be quite intimidating. When I was a wee tot (ok fine, a teenager) I was afraid of the ball flying at my face. I was afraid of the pressures from the coaches. I was afraid of failing. So I never played the traditional sports. I ran track until my knee gave out, and I was a cheerleader. But I was not competitive by nature. I did not consider myself to be an athlete.

The Special Olympics gives students a chance to excel at their own pace, and in their own way. They teach the students teamwork, and good sportsmanship. The games are a bonding opportunity as much as they are a competition. The athletes are smart, and beautiful, and funny, oh do they tell the best anecdotes. But they were given a body that doesn’t always move as fast, doesn’t always coordinate in the right ways, and doesn’t always do what you want of it. And yet they never let that stop them from being an athlete.

Oh how I wish I had met one of the athletes when I was a teen. I would have accepted myself for who I was (clumsy), and I would have felt that I was good enough. Because when I was a teen? There were athletes, and then there was me (seriously clumsy). But the Special Olympics has taught me that I too am an athlete, to the best of MY ability.

Tomorrow I’m attending the Special Olympics Illinois Inspire Greatness Gala as a sponsor, and I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am. Plus I get to wear a fancy dress and big cocktail rings, which is pretty awesome too.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Saturday, October 22, 2011

You'd Think They'd Know Better

SORRY, CAN'T TALK NOW. 

HEADED OUT TO GET DRUNK AT A WEDDING. 

WOOOOOO!!


(I can't believe friends still invite me to this stuff.)

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Fear Becomes Us

Heart Pounding. Head spinning. I can hear his breath from the darkness beyond. I open my mouth to scream, but no sound comes out. I turn to run and he’s there.


---------------------------------------------------------

This is a Red Writing Hood prompt from Write on Edge. I had 160 characters to work with to tell a story that elicits fear. This is my second attempt at writing a focused story in a long time. Hopefully I'm getting the hang of it? Thanks for reading.

Saving Lives and Shit

I put the FUN in Cardiopulmonary Resus-oh-never-mind.

I just want to start out by saying I ACED the CPR test. 97% BABY! I'm like a genius or something. I am a life saving ROCKSTAR. HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND.

So Tuesday was the online test and Wednesday was the in person second half of the class. With dummies. I KNOW. I was excited too.

I got my very own dummy to play with. I mean save. I named him Jean-Pierre and I gave him a french accent.

And now to clear up a few things about what not to say in CPR class. (This is based on the less than stellar response from the instructors who probably regretted showing up for work this day.)

It was not my fault that I giggled every time you told me to blow into his mouth hole. Stop saying mouth hole and we wouldn't have this problem.

Regarding Good Samaritan Laws: "Hypothetically speaking, if the area appears safe, but you happen to know that bears and lions are roaming the streets, are you allowed to drag your victim to the nearest shelter? (pause) WHAT? It happened in Ohio!"

"So what you're saying is, if a person can talk to you, you shouldn't throw them to the ground and start CPR because they'll get pissed?"

"So when you say remove all clothing and jewelry from their chest area, do you mean nipple rings too?"*

"If I'm too tired to do CPR can I just shock them instead?" "Yes." "Wait. Really?! That's totally awesome!"

"Miss, please stop touching the victim." (said to me of course)

"If the person wakes up, can I shock them again? You know, in case."

"Dude, I'm totally clean if you ever see me in the street and I need saving but you have no mouth guard." "No fucking way. I know where you've been."

"My boobies are kinda in the way, but try not to grope me when you save me."

Also? I am aware that the ABC's of CPR are not actually Airway, Breathing, Circumcision. But a girl likes to know these things, and it seems like an opportune time to check out the goods. Besides, Jean-Pierre is empty down there anyway, so it's not like he would care. Right?

*For the record, you do not have to remove nipple rings for CPR. 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Conversations with Coworkers

"I have mastered the art of not touching strangers."

"Is that usually a problem?"

"Wait. What?"

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Conversations With Friends

"My wardrobe choices can be summed up in two questions: 
Have I done laundry? Did I shave my legs?"

"That's ambitious. I settle for:
Does this smell funny?"

.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Define Normal

Ok seriously? You people have no idea. You just can't make this shit up.

Sunday, October 16th

8:00am: Roll out of bed, take a shower, get dressed
9:00am: Realize I'm already running late and make a mad dash for the door, where did the time go?
9:05am: Drive past a lady waiting at the curb with luggage, attempt to not splash her with puddles from the rain
9:06am: Text friend I'm on my way but will likely get lost because GPS doesn't know exactly where the Arboretum is
9:15am: Realize I have forgotten the birthday gift for the birthday boy (2 year old) and make an illegal u-turn to head back home
9:25am: Pass by same woman still waiting to be picked up
9:26am: Open the door to grab the gift, chase after cat who has sneakily escaped, shove cat back inside
9:28am: Pass by same woman STILL WAITING
9:55am: Miss my exit because I'm too busy belting out an Adele song on the radio, freak out because GPS is recalculating and taking too long
10:20am: Arrive safely at the Arboretum only about 20 minutes late


10:25am to 1:00pm:
Birthday boy has cake, opens presents, makes pumpkin face crafts, and has a blast. Snippets of conversation from the older kids:

"What do you like about going to school?" "You get to use the urinals!"

(wielding a toy gun) "I'm gonna shoot you in the balls!""I don't have balls" "WHAT?!"

(to the adults sitting on the table) "The sign says don't sit on the tables. You guys are bad news!"

(holding a squishy toy eyeball) "Is this my eyeball? Or yours?"

Hold a conversation with a friend of a friend about living with severe allergies (me, and her son), forget to exchange contact info and have to text friend to send an email (re)introduction.

1:00pm: Stick around to explore the Arboretum, which is amazing and beautiful, and I think I want my birthday to be there next year

1:30pm: Realize my entire body is itching and swelling and I want to claw my skin off, decide my allergies have had enough and hug my goodbyes

It's hard to tell, but those are hives

2:15pm: Arrive at home to discover my fridge isn't working, and probably hasn't been since yesterday. All the beer is warm and skunked, the ice cream is melted, and the milk is curdled. Call maintenance to come look
2:30pm: Maintenance shows up, confirms fridge is a lost cause, schedules delivery of a new fridge for tomorrow
2:35pm: Move beer to bathroom so I can wash my hair in it later, no sense in completely wasting it
2:36pm: Mourn over the loss of the ice cream wasted, then start cleaning out the fridge and freezer
3:30pm: Realize I'm running late for my hair appointment, seriously how do I keep doing this?
3:40pm: Pull over to the side of the road to puke (chronic hives sometimes does that to me)
4:00pm: Discover my stylist isn't ready for another 20 minutes, head to Starbucks to fill time. Order a grande nonfat french vanilla latte and chocolate chip banana cake. (What? You thought puking would prevent this? Clearly you don't know me then.) Read the nutritional guide and instantly regret reading it.
4:20pm: Get haircut (I absolutely love getting my hair washed and cut)
5:20pm: Drive home with the intention of eating a light dinner then heading over to watch the Bears game with friends
9:35pm: Wake up from a nap (apparently) and discover that I have missed the opportunity to watch the game with friends (Sorry R, C, and everyone else who was there!)
9:36pm: Crawl into bed and fall back asleep
9:40pm: Realize I'm still wearing jeans, change into jammies, crawl back into bed
9:41pm: Realize that by doing this I now can't fall back asleep...

And that's a normal day for me.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Mark of the Soul

To every up there is a down. To every wrong there is a right.

Some people view my tattoo as rebellious ink. Some find it trashy. Sexy. Unique.

I see my tattoo as art. A beautiful reminder of that which I can overcome. I carefully chose its design to represent how my soul feels. And I chose its location so that I could be reminded daily.

The tree of life tells us that for every negative in our lives, we can balance with positive. Every time we feel sad, happy can be on the horizon. I wear my tree with pride, because it reminds me that everything comes full circle with time. With age a tree grows deep roots to keep itself grounded, branches to spread its wings, and flowers to blossom into beauty.

This is me. This ink is a part of me. It represents where I've been, where I am, and where I'm headed. It holds my pain, my joys, and my sorrows. I have no regrets in marking my body. I didn't choose this body, but I can certainly choose how to maintain it, and I decorate it with pride.


I love my body. I love my ink. I love myself.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Walking the dog

Dear guy texting on your phone,

Perhaps you are not aware of this but your dog is vigorously humping the shit out of your leg. Unless you are sexting a Victoria's Secret model, nothing is so interesting that you wouldn't notice a terrier humping your leg like he's the last dog on earth. You're not even distractedly trying to shake him off. What's up with that? Do you let him do this often? I wonder what would happen if we took a black light to your pants. Oh hey, hi guy, thanks for looking up. Yeah, that's your dog jack hammering into your calf. I see you aren't going to let him finish now. Good luck with that.

In awe,
ME

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Conversations With Friends

 NERD ALERT

For all of those Star Wars cookies you've been making with your cookie cutters.....


Holy crap

Can you imagine how many cookies will fit in that baby.

I'll build an army of Yodas to fill it.

Fine.  I'll make some Darth Vaders to break your Yodas.

That seems fair. When?

Right after I finish my giant sandwich and then take a nap.

.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Conversations With Friends

"Wanna play Truth or Drink?"

"I thought it was Truth or Dare?"

"I'm too lazy to Dare."


.

Friday, October 7, 2011

The Dirty Clam

I love going to Shedd Aquarium. I always have, and honestly, I could go back once a month if I only had the time. I love watching the fish swim around. There's something cathartic about watching fish.

I usually start off with the otters, because they are so darn cute. Then I work my way across the oceanarium to give my hellos to the balugas, dolphins, and penguins. I'll wind through the Amazon to see the monkeys (yep, you read that right) and to make sure the anaconda is still in the tank. (WHAT?! It COULD get loose you know.)

I always spend some quality time with my favorite fish at Shedd, the Congo Pufferfish. I don't like all of them mind you, but this particular one. He sits on the bottom of the tank, and just stares at the glass with sad eyes. But sometimes, when I show up, he follows me across the glass as I walk by. And I swear to you he smiles.

But the real reason I love going to Shedd. The reason I take everyone who ever visits me?

THE DIRTY CLAM

Ladies! Kinda makes you feel like you've been to the gyno right?

No? How about a close up.

You're welcome.
.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Monday, October 3, 2011

Music Hoarder

I was recently challenged to list all the concerts I've ever been to. And while I am a music hoarder, I actually haven't been to that many concerts. Of course I thought that before I started listing them out. Then my brain caught up with my memory and I almost passed out with exhaustion. In my defense, many were actually from festivals.

The below concerts are in no particular order with the exception of the first and last one, which are of course the first and last one (as of this post). Easy right? Right.

You can judge me if you want, but do so gently. Again, many of these were at festivals and therefore checked out on a whim. A few were just opening numbers for other bands, but I suffered through their long sets so they get counted. Some I have no excuse for except my adventurous nature.

  1. Michael Jackson 
  2. Beach Boys (too many times, it's shameful)
  3. Beastie Boys (x2)
  4. Flogging Molly
  5. Explosions in the Sky
  6. Dale Earnhardt Jr Jr
  7. Cage the Elephant
  8. Arctic Monkeys
  9. Plain White T's (x2)
  10. Cobra Starship
  11. 7th Heaven
  12. The Bad Examples 
  13. Ralph Covert's Acoustic Army
  14. 50 Cent
  15. Missy Elliot
  16. Busta Rhymes
  17. Green Day
  18. The Killers
  19. Dogstar
  20. Tonic
  21. Travis
  22. The Go-Go's (x2)
  23. B52's
  24. ZZ Top
  25. Ted Nugent*
  26. Toad the Wet Sprocket
  27. Mike Federali 
  28. Beck
  29. Snow Patrol
  30. U2
  31. Jars of Clay (great story)
  32. Pixies
  33. Velvet Revolver
  34. Sonic Youth
  35. Juliette and the Licks
  36. Owen
  37. Garth Brooks
  38. John Michael Montgomery
  39. The Returnables
  40. The Dials
  41. English Beat
  42. Fetch
  43. Avocado Jungle Fuzz
  44. Abba cover band**
  45. Digital Underground
  46. The Black Crowes
  47. Foo Fighters
  48. The Wombats (is scheduled)
  49. The Postelles (is scheduled)

* Not by choice. I still have nightmares
** I can't recall the name of the cover band, but this is the exact moment that sealed in The Jenny's fate of being my friend forever. Seriously. Just ask her.

Also, I'm certain that I've forgotten some concerts. Primarily the college years when I was drunk at most of them. Anyone care to fill in those blanks? Anyone? No? You don't remember either? Ok.

Also, also, I'm not listing the multitude of jazz concerts I've been to. Mostly because I don't know a lot of the band names, and also because there are a fuckton of them. I've been to a lot of charity events with live jazz bands. I love jazz.

There might be a handful of country bands I've seen at various midwest rodeos. Yep, you read that right. I've been to many a rodeo. No I did not wear cowgirl boots you assholes. But I would look sweet in those boots and don't you argue otherwise!
.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

SAVE FERRIS

Last night I went to see Ferris Bueller's Day Off. It was the 25th anniversary, so Groupon (the sponsor for the event) decided to make a big stink of it the only way Chicago knows how: at Wrigley Field!

I have to admit, sitting on the grass at Wrigley was more exciting than watching the movie itself. I mean, I love Ferris Bueller, but I can watch that anytime. How often can I say that I've been on the grass at Wrigley? ONCE. It was awesome.

VERY IMPORTANT. I was very careful to NOT spill my beer on the field. Please note that for future misbehavings.

Waiting for it to get dark first.

 SEE!? On the grass!

 Save Ferris!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

All the wrong cracks?

With the sad news about REM breaking up (sigh...) it got me thinking about music. And instead of being all sappy about losing the soundtrack to my youth, I decided to get pumped up about new music I've recently discovered*.

Because new music is all shiny and pretty and sparkly like glitter. And who doesn't love that? (Ok, I hate glitter. But we're talking digital glitter, which is ok by me. Real glitter gets stuck in all the wrong cracks** and that's just no fun people. No fun at all.)

So without further ado, here's a song or five that I'm currently playing the f@ck out of on my iPod.

Caitlin Crosby, Flawz

The Drums, Money

The Postelles, 123 Stop

Boy and Bear, Fall at Your Feet

Hot Chelle Rae, Tonight Tonight

Disclaimer: when I say new music, I mean it's new to me. If you've already heard of it, WHY DIDN'T YOU SHARE WITH ME? (stomps away and pouts for a minute)

*Did anyone else just start humming Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People when you read that? Because I'm totally humming it now. Did I just rickroll myself? At least I like the song!

**Not that there are right cracks for something to get stuck in. There should be no getting things stuck in any cracks. For the record. 

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