You guys? I was checking my email when I noticed the little How To window flashing the most amazing How To story ever. It was titled "How to make a vodka watermelon". You know what? THAT IS NOT EASY.
A long ass time ago I was dating this guy. And he was the outdoorsy type in that he liked to go camping but stay in cabins. This one summer we got together with a bunch of his old college buddies and we rented this one room cabin for 8. It was ridiculously small, had two bunk beds to fit the 8 of us, and no kitchen. So everything we did was on the grill. No big deal. WE GOT THIS YOU GUYS.
So the first thing we did was go to the store and buy things we could cook on a grill. One dude wandered off and came back holding a big ass watermelon and big ass bottle of vodka.
"I've always wanted to do that thing where you fill a watermelon with vodka and then drink it out of straws."
We were the adventurous (re: stupid) kind, so we all clapped at this brilliant idea. We went back to the campsite and unpacked everything. We took the watermelon outside and set it down ceremoniously on the picnic table and then just stared at it.
"Okay. Who knows how to do this?"
"It can't be that hard you guys. Just cut a hole in it and tip the bottle in."
FYI. That is a dumb plan. Nothing happens. Nothing at all. The bottle might nestle in nicely, but the liquid won't budge. So then we thought to cut a hole in the other end of the watermelon because IT'S SCIENCE YOU GUYS.
Nothing. Happened. We stared at that damn thing for an hour before we finally gave up and walked away. We went about our night, ate and drank and got stupid, then stumbled off to our tiny ass bunk beds. In the morning we stumbled outside to the light of day, and low and behold were met with the long forgotten watermelon.
"YOU GUYS. The watermelon. The bottle is actually empty! It worked! Let's drink it out with straws!"
Insert 8 straws into the watermelon. Begin sucking out vodka.
"GODDAMNIT. Nothing is happening. I'm getting nothing through the straw. How do they make this look so easy on those stupid spring break shows? I HATE SPRING BREAK AND MTV FOR MOCKING ME."
We finally decided to just cut the damn thing up and eat it like normal watermelon, but full of vodka. Let me just say now, you know this isn't going to end well. The first person took a bite and declared no vodka. The second person took a bite and declared no vodka. And so it went. I was fifth to take a bite and all I have to say is:
"OH FUCKS. I GOT ALL THE VODKA."
Spoken through tears of laughter and bitterness. Because FYI, vodka watermelon is not as tasty as one might think. Especially cheap vodka soaking in watermelon overnight. Apparently it all soaked into just one side of the watermelon so only about five slices of watermelon were nothing but vodka soaked.
There is just no taking that taste back. I'm still retching from it.
And no, I didn't read the How To article on making vodka watermelon. Because screw that. Why ruin the fun of trying?
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