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Monday, July 23, 2012

Top Ten Reasons I’m Single


I read ahead in one-a-day calendars, and I make you look when I find something hilarious. YES, I AM A WALKING SPOILER ALERT.

I hate when waiters put lemon in my water without asking me first, so when they do it I make a show of taking it out and slinging it on the table. Or floor. Or across the bar. BECAUSE FUCK YOU AND YOUR LEMON. 

I will drive out of the way to get coffee from the Hot Barista. SHUT UP. It's not like I'm getting coffee from a strip club.

I shop for groceries when I'm hungry and then complain that all I have to eat is candy, ice cream, and olives. And no, I am NOT pregnant. They are completely unrelated items that will never go together in my mouth. 

All I ever talk about is how I want to snuggle. With Brendon Boyd Urie*. Who is probably filling out a restraining order as I type this. I JUST WANT A LITTLE SNUGGLE BRENDON BOYD URIE. STOP PLAYING COY WITH ME.

Every time we go to the aquarium I WILL try to steal a penguin, and INSIST that it could live in my freezer. Since I haven’t been arrested for it yet, I’m guessing this isn’t illegal.

I will resent you forever if you put mayo on a sandwich in front of me. Because mayo looks like thick spooge and WHO WOULD EAT THAT ON PURPOSE?
  
I get pissed off when Smart Water doesn’t make me smarter, but then I keep drinking it anyway. BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW.

I shave my legs about as often as Chewbacca trims his beard. Err, body? Anyway, I hate the effort it takes so I get lazy about it. Especially in winter, because fuck it, that's what pants are for. Right? 

When in public I tend to shout things like "Leggings are not pants!" and "I can see your naughty bits!" because leggings aren't pants, and I don't need to see your naughty bits. SHOW AND TELL ENDED IN THIRD GRADE, and certainly didn't work that way.

Your move, gentlemen… 


*Seriously, how has he not blocked me yet? Or called for a cuddle? CALL ME BRENDON BOYD URIE. I'M A REALLY GOOD CUDDLER. 






13 comments:

  1. I, too, am a hater of the lemon in the water. If I wanted that I'd just put Pledge in it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. And when I ask for lemon in my Coke that's not code to bring me diet Coke. Apparently ordering Coke with lemon is the international request for diet Coke.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wait, these are reasons why you ARE still single? Because if I was a dude, or a chick who rolled that way, I would consider this a list of reasons to put a ring on it.
    Someone tweet this to Brendon Boyd Urie. STAT.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brendon Boyd Urie has no idea what he's missing out on. I'm like a champion snuggler. I would take the gold if it were an Olympic sport.

      Delete
  4. lemons in water is just stupid. if i wanted lemons in water, i'd order lemonade, fucker.

    ReplyDelete
  5. If juliana hatfield and neko case havent blocked me by now then he's not going to block you.

    My middle daughter loves lemons. we just scopped them out of our waters or teas and give them to her. You need an almost 9-year-old with a lemon thing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I was downtown (Boston) with my bff about a year ago. A girl walked by in a skirt so short I swear we could see her ass...errr, vag crack. Without skipping a beat, my bff sang, "I can see your labia". Best. Moment. Ever. Sing that to a person the next time you can see their "naughty bits". Makes them tug on their skirts REAL fast.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG, the next time I'm in Boston we are so hanging out. Or wherever. Location doesn't matter.

      Delete
  7. I'D date you, just for the "leggings are not pants" paragraph! :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love leggings in the winter...but never, EVER without a shirt that covers one's butt. Leggings are not pants. And if you wear them without something covering your butt, your butt will look huge. No matter WHAT.

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    Replies
    1. I like to congratulate people who wear leggings properly. Because they need to know that they're doing it right, and it's a slippery slope to doing it wrong. Best to make them feel good before they get any ideas and shorten that shirt/dress.

      Delete
  9. Just sing to the spiderman theme song... "Naughty bits! Naughty bits! I can see your naughty bits! can you cover them up please? Cause I can see your naughty bits!" Even better in a british accent! Are you British by chance? If not, improvise..it's fun!

    ReplyDelete

Leave a comment and I will dry hump your leg. Or take you for coffee. Your choice.

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