I read ahead in one-a-day calendars, and I make you look when I find something hilarious. YES, I AM A WALKING SPOILER ALERT.
I hate when waiters put lemon in my water without asking me first, so when they do it I make a show of taking it out and slinging it on the table. Or floor. Or across the bar. BECAUSE FUCK YOU AND YOUR LEMON.
I will drive out of the way to get coffee from the Hot Barista. SHUT UP. It's not like I'm getting coffee from a strip club.
I shop for groceries when I'm hungry and then complain that all I have to eat is candy, ice cream, and olives. And no, I am NOT pregnant. They are completely unrelated items that will never go together in my mouth.
All I ever talk about is how I want to snuggle. With Brendon Boyd Urie*. Who is probably filling out a restraining order as I type this. I JUST WANT A LITTLE SNUGGLE BRENDON BOYD URIE. STOP PLAYING COY WITH ME.
Every time we go to the aquarium I WILL try to steal a penguin, and INSIST that it could live in my freezer. Since I haven’t been arrested for it yet, I’m guessing this isn’t illegal.
I will resent you forever if you put mayo on a sandwich in front of me. Because mayo looks like thick spooge and WHO WOULD EAT THAT ON PURPOSE?
I get pissed off when Smart Water doesn’t make me smarter, but then I keep drinking it anyway. BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW.
I shave my legs about as often as Chewbacca trims his beard. Err, body? Anyway, I hate the effort it takes so I get lazy about it. Especially in winter, because fuck it, that's what pants are for. Right?
When in public I tend to shout things like "Leggings are not pants!" and "I can see your naughty bits!" because leggings aren't pants, and I don't need to see your naughty bits. SHOW AND TELL ENDED IN THIRD GRADE, and certainly didn't work that way.