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Monday, August 20, 2012

CAKE BALLS FOR YOUR MOUTH

You know what we haven't done in awhile? Drunk baking.

LET'S MAKE SOME FUCKEN CAKE BALLS.

For your mouth.

So the thing is, I started drinking and then thought "hey we should bake some cake". So I kind of already baked the cake and didn't document a damn thing about it. But whatever. You know what that looks like. I made a french vanilla with raspberry cake. Did your mouth just gasm? Mine did.


But now we must take the cake, and help it fulfill its dream of turning into delicious balls for your mouth. (Did I say that already? Shut up. Maybe I need more wine.)

So you take the cake, and you mix that shit up in a bowl. It will be sad to see it crumble. Try not to weep into the bowl. Or spill your wine.


Then you plop in your frosting. (Here's where I confess that while the cake was from scratch, the frosting is not. I was gifted a can of cream cheese frosting, and I've had it on the shelf for about 800 years. And the fact that it hasn't expired is exactly why I don't use canned frosting. But it'll be fine for cake balls. Whatever.)


Mix yo shit up again. But make it smooth. Maybe with a slow jam. Maybe a little soul music playing in the background. Get on in there and make love to that mix. (Did it just turn softcore porny up in here? Where is Tia? She brings out the porn in me.)


Take whatever you can find to make balls (OH LOOK, AN ICE CREAM SCOOP) or just use your hands, and make some balls. Try not to manhandle them too much. Much like real balls they're sensitive and can fall apart. (I don't think that even makes sense.)


Line your new balls up on a sheet, or whatever, and put them in the freezer to get hard. You want them firm enough to be dipped into chocolate later. Mmmmm chocolate.

Unlike me, don't make the balls so fucking big. Large balls are hard to dip.


While you wait for your balls to get hard, have another glass of wine. Sit awhile. Play a fucking computer game. Read a book. Lay on the floor counting the ceiling tiles. Realize you don't have ceiling tiles. Have more wine.

Take your balls out of the freezer and prepare your chocolate for dipping. Today we'll use semisweet baking chocolate for dipping. So all you need to do is melt that shit down and keep it melty.


Now, the southerner in me wants to add a touch of Crisco to keep the chocolate from getting firm again. Because southerners put Crisco in fucking everything. True story. But it turns out I'm now allergic to soy and Crisco has soy in it, so we're going to do this the hard way by using smaller batches of chocolate to heat up.


You do not want to reheat your chocolate more than once, because that shit will get hard and clumpy and just nasty. And no one will want to put that in their mouth when you're done. If you have a double boiler for the stove that's the ideal way to melt chocolate and keep it melted all at once. I'm not that smart. Or that sober.

So. Your two dozen balls, that you made too big and became one dozen balls, but then you dropped one on the floor, and is now eleven giant balls, you know what I don't even know where I was going with this.


The moral of this story is. I may not have a lot of balls, but I have big balls. FOR YOUR MOUTH. I also have more wine.

EAT SUM CAKE.

10 comments:

  1. you are awesome, and so are your balls!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I want to lick you. Not your balls, cause chocolate is gross, but you. Fucking A right.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Those balls look tasty. I have never said that before.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh, they go in your mouth. Well, that makes much more sense.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Best. Cake Ball. Walk through. EVERS.

    I need wine and cake now.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your shit cracks me up. I thought I was the only one who did drunk baking.

    ReplyDelete
  7. a teeny bit of parrafin (Gulf Wax) added to the chocolate when you heat it up will take care of the "keep it melty" prob -- and it helps the chocolate stick to yer balls...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You my friend are a genius.

      Delete
    2. Nah, not a genius, but shitfuck I shoulda let ya find that out in your own sweet time....
      Actually learner this little tip from mu very own batshit crazy momma. When I was 10. On the phone. With momma on the other end of the call directing me on how to make the Xmas candy that "should be all done by the time I get home lil missy!"
      Anyhoo, if nothing else I got two or three excellent tips from crazylady on melting chocolate and making perfect gravy. Fuck me running. Starving now!
      Thanks for the cake ball recipe!! Am so making them this wknd with daughter & her bff.

      Delete

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