This plan couldn't possibly fail, if you ignore the holes in the plan

Dear Matt Damon,

You ruined Bourne Identity for me, but you gave me hope by marrying a bartender. True story.

I loved the book, The Bourne Identity. It was well written, adventurous, and even though it was written in several languages (within the book) I was engrossed from start to finish. Robert Ludlum made Jason Bourne a lovable character in spite of his bad boy ways. He was a trained killer fighting for his life.

And do you know what hollywood took from the book to make the movie? The title. THAT'S IT. Total load of crap if you ask me. I was so upset by the end of the film that I actually shouted at the screen to give me my money back, raised fist and all. I can't even recall your performance because I was so distracted by the lack of book in the book to movie. TOTAL BULLSHIT.

But then you went and gave me (and every girl I know) hope of landing a hot successful actor because you married a bartender no one has ever heard of. Granted, she's hot and from Argentina, but she was still a nobody slinging drinks for a living.

So the next time I'm in the same room with a hot celebrity I'm totally going to shove drinks in his face until he falls madly in love with me and gives me a ring. Because that can't possibly go wrong.

So thank you, Matt Damon. You've been quite helpful in spite of your poor choice in accepting screenplays. I'm sure your performance was great, but the movie was a disgrace to Robert Ludlum. Never forget that. I'm sure he won't.

Sincerely,
ME